Minerva McGonagall and the Confiscated Gourd of Sake
by Drunk Suika
Summary: A gripping tale of Loss, Friendship, Triumph, more Booze than Hogwarts can possibly hold, and a Professor on the verge of expelling Everyone. .Self Insert as Suika.
1. The Confiscated Gourd

Minerva McGonagall and the Confiscated Gourd of Sake

* * *

"What do you want?" Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was slightly taken aback by the abrasive, slightly slurred response as the door to the house was thrust open. The man's bloodshot eyes quickly glanced up and down Minerva before he seemed to shudder.

"Sorry, not my house, I'll get the owner."

The twenty something year old man turned around and left Minerva standing on the front porch staring into house that reminded her of the Gryffindor's common room after they won the Quiddich Cup all those years ago, smelled the same too. The Head of House's nose wrinkled as she nudged an empty bottle with her foot.

"Hey Jake, I think Jehovah's are at the door."

"Tell them to fuck off." Came the muted response from somewhere within the dwelling.

"Sorry Miss," The man came back around to the door trying to school their face into something neutral and failing; Minerva had seen too many seventh year students trying to nurse hangovers to not realise. "You seem like a lovely woman, but I think you might have to tr-"

"I'm looking for Suika Ibuki, I was informed that she was staying here." Minerva shot out in a stern voice, quickly silencing the Muggle.

Minerva could only watch in muted frustration as the man's thought process seemed to grind to a halt. She had seen this sluggish response too many times before, especially in her seventh year students after a trip to The Three Broomsticks. She could tell what the man was going to say seconds before the man even opened his mouth.

"Who?" If she had someone to bet against she would have struck gold.

It took several seconds worth of sluggish broomsticks raising slowly off of the ground before the man's eyes glimmered with newfound rediscovered knowledge.

"Oh shit! Yeah!" The man's shouted, finger's snapped and pointed at her. "That small chick who never seemed to run out..." The man seemed to trail off.

"OI JAKE! WHAT WAS THE SHIT SUIKA SOLD US LAST NIGHT?"

"Sake!"

"Yeah, the small chick who never seemed to run out of Sake. Last I saw she was passed out on the inflatable dolphin in the pool. You her grandma or som..."

Minerva stared at the muggle.

"errrrrrrr... I mean I have no idea who you are talking about?"

* * *

"Professor McGonagall? It's a pleasure seeing you again. What brings you of all people here to St Mungo's? Nothing to serious I hope?"

Minerva gave a thin lipped smile as she regarded the mediwitch sitting at the front counter as her eyes quickly gazed down to spy the the woman's name tag. "Thank you Mrs Cobblepot, I trust this career is suiting you well." She honestly couldn't remember the girl from what was most likely fifteen years and thousands of students ago, that was more up Albus' alley.

"Actually it's Ms Cobblepot now, Kevin and I split five years ago. Such a shame too, you know how we were in school, we were going-"

"As good as it is too catch up with the Alumni of Hogwarts," Minerva cut off the woman before she got going, thanking Merlin that the woman actually stopped talking. Must have been the woman's ingrained fear of a stern teacher. "I'm afraid I am here for slightly more pressing matters, such as Miss Ibuki here."

"Hcc...hiiiiiiiii"

The woman looked passed her former professor and spied the small child swaying in a nonexistent breeze.

"Are those horns?"

"That is a minor concern, that I shall look at later. What she needs at this point is a Sobriety Solution."

"nooooooooo"

* * *

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?"

"Ah Professor McGonagall, what a surprise!

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?"

"I was not expecting you. Your wand,

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?"

"Fir and Dragon Heart String if I-

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?"

"recall correctly. What was it, sixt..."

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?"

Olivander stopped his speech mid sentence as he regarded blank look on the Hogwarts Deputy Headmistress' face and then looked towards the Brown haired child who was staring up at her, repeating the same question over and over as though she wasn't about to receive the most important tool that would assist her for the rest of her life."

"Hey Professor, can I have my gourd back?

"Err, why don't you leave the child with me while you go to the Leaky Cauldron. This might take a while..."

Minerva about faced and walked straight out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

The door was booted open by the horned girl as the word "HYPOCRITE!" was ingrained into Garrick's mind.

* * *

"Why isn't your money in lots of ten? Is it because Muggles did the whole maths and currency thing first and you wanted to feel like special snowflakes?"

"Are you here to do business at Gringott's or are you just here to make a fool out of yourself and a farce out of your entire species?"

"Oh... right. Hi, I'm reasonably certain my name is Ibuki Suika... I think. Wait does my first name come first even though I am currently a weaboo..." The small child sitting on a tall stool in front of Arnok, the Goblin bank teller who had the misfortune to be supervising this particular line of customers, seemed to trail off as she contemplated her own existence.

Arnok glanced over at the clock on the wall.

"No! My name is Suika Ibuki!" The child proclaimed as though she had just completed a four hundred foot parchment on Cauldron thickness. "And I am here to open an Adult-"

"Minor."

"Account. Hey! I'm twenty six!"

Arnok blinked, glancing between the child and her escort.

"She is Eleven."

"Twenty One?"

"A Minor's account," Arnok bulldozed over any possible shenanigan that the child could imagine. "Shall incur a Twenty Two Knut opening Fee with no additional charges until your reaching of Magical Majority. I am sure your current guardian shall be covering this charge?" Minerva nodded as the Goblin glanced towards her.

"If I put lets say... what? Five hundred thousand and twelve Galleons in my account and decided I wanted to withdraw some of it, would I be limited in how much I could withdraw?"

"You will be unable to withdraw more than 14 Sickles without a Guardian present.

"And what is that worth in common sense terms?"

"I assume you are referring to Pound Sterling."

"No, Australian Dollar. Obviously."

"You are testing my patience, child."

"Why are you giving me a test when I came to you asking for information about your currency? That seems pretty scummy if you ask me, what is the point of quizzing me when I clearly haven't had a chance to learn any of the answers?"

The teacher's eyes met the banker's, and Minerva knew in that moment that she had gained a confidant and true ally in these times of despair.

* * *

"So professor I am just going to come out and say it, I can probably save you some money if you only buy me about half the books; especially History. I can barely remember what happened last night, let alone shit that happened hundreds of years ago."

"Do you want everything to taste like soap for the next seven years? I am quite sure that my colleague can arrange for it."

Minerva would never admit it, but she took immense satisfaction in the look of abject terror that the horned girl shot in her direction.

* * *

"Professor, may I have my gourd back?"

The sun was setting through the grimy windows of the Leaky Cauldron where Professor and Student to be were sitting, sharing a meal.

Minerva glanced down at the girl whom had her chin resting on the table, the meal untouched other than the fork sticking up out of the potato from where it had been stabbed in, staring pleadingly up at her.

Seeing the utter despair in the child almost made the woman reconsider and open up her bag to retrieve the innocuous purple ceramic vessel.

Almost.

Minerva McGonagall, however, was not a rookie teacher who had not yet the puppy dog eyes and crocodile tears of many hundreds of students begging for extensions on grade deciding assignments.

"No."

With that one response, Minerva was completely on edge. The utter rage and indignation in the glare that she received promised retribution of the highest magnitude.

And then in an instant the look disappeared and the girl sat up straight in her seat and started eating her meal and washed it down with a...

Minerva quickly snatched the bottle of Firewhisky out of the girl's hands and promptly returned it to it's rightful owner, apologizing profusely to Tom the Bartender who was confused as to why he was pouring out of a glass of Pumpkin Juice.

* * *

The Hat didn't even touch Suika Ibuki's Head before it shouted Gryffindor.

Minerva considered reaching for the Confiscated Gourd of Everlasting Sake right then and there.


	2. The Trunk Full of Booze

The First of September arrived faster than Hermione Granger could imagine, yet at the same time the last few hours of August seemed to take a lifetime. It was five passed eleven when Hermione, after giving a heartfelt goodbye to her parents found herself dragging her trunk through the aisle of the Hogwarts Express. It was filled to the brim with educational textbooks both magical and ordinary, although judging by the culture she was to immerse herself in, the term muggle is what she should have to use from now on.

It was her hope to find a friendly enough group of witches and wizards who she could discuss everything they knew about the wizarding world and potentially what they didn't.

As she passed through the carriages however, her excitement turned to nervousness and trepidation as what seemed to be established cliques and friendships had already formed while occasionally she had to press herself against the wall to not get barged over or set on fire by much larger and older students rushing passed or seemingly sentient Fireworks raced around at slightly above head height. Most cabins that she passed seemed to be completely full, had locked doors with closed blinds or had small groups that greeted her politely and not so subtley told her to move along.

It was with great relief that Hermione found a compartment with relatively few people, both of whom seemed to be her age, one of which was from a magical background judging by the robes on the boy. The boy was sitting next to the window and was staring out of it as the city rapidly thinned out into suburbs. He seemed to glance over at other room's occupant, a girl wearing a muggle jacket. She was slumped over with her head hanging and arms limply resting in her lap.

She also had horns. Hermione blinked before shaking her head.

"Is it quite alright if I sit here?" She asked as she slid open the door to the compartment and stepped inside.

The boy jumped up in surprise at the sound of the opening door and snapped his head around to face her so fast that she could not be sure whether or not it was magic. He seemed to naturally defer to the girl as he looked over to her, expecting her to answer for the pair.

The girl had no noticeable reaction.

"Er, sure?"

"Thank you!" Hermione exclaimed as she rushed to place her luggage on the floor next to one that seemed to belong to one of the two and sat down as the door behind her slowly closed of it's own accord.

"I'm Hermione Granger. May I ask for your names?"

"Um, I'm Neville. Longbottom. Er, Neville Longbottom." He seemed unsure of himself as he seemed to shrink into the corner of the compartment as he debated whether to offer his hand to shake. Hermione quickly grasped the hand with her own and gave it a firm squeeze, causing Neville to wince.

"And you are?" She asked turning to the other girl.

"Suika." She responded flatly while she continued to gaze at the floor.

"A pleasure. So what is the story behind the horns? Was it some form of transfiguration? Was one of your parents some form of Mythical being? Before I got my letter I didn't believe in magic, but after Professor McGonagall explained it all it made so much sense. And if magic is real, that leads way to stories such as those about the Greek gods and the creatures that permeate those so called fables also being real. There is so much to learn and discover!"

There was a pregnant pause as the girl did not respond.

"Hello?" Hermione snapped her fingers in front of the girl's face drawing her attention.

The second thing that Hermione noted, after the horns of course, were the girl's blood shot eyes and gazed at her despondently.

"Do you know what's wrong with her?" Hermione quickly rounded on the boy who flinched at her harsh gaze.

"They stole my trunk." The horned girl darkly muttered to herself. "It had all of my supplies."

"Your trunk, and they... Who stole it?" Hermione's eyes narrowed as she regarded the information, they hadn't even made it to school and apparently bullies were a thing.

"Older students. They had a badges with the letter P on their chests."

Nodding to herself, Hermione leapt to her feet. "Don't worry Suika. I will see what I can do to help."

* * *

Throughout her quest of gathering information, Hermione was left very conflicted. The first compartment she came across had a darker fellow, a tarantula climbing on the window, and a pair of twins with shockingly red hair. The two seemed to break out into a massive grin as they looked at each other when she described the situation.

"Yeah, we've heard of those guys."

"Nasty pieces of work they are."

"Nasty indeed. You see, the P on the badge actually stands for Proletariat."

"They don't actually believe in things like wealth and personal possessions."

"Or personal liberties for that matter."

"Indeed you are correct there brother of mine."

"That poor girl probably made the mistake of having items they in their deluded minds considered 'Contraband'."

"Unfortunate really, they will probably destroy anything that they don't approve of before returning it with only the school robes and replacing all of the new books with faulty and outdated second hand versions."

* * *

"Are you a first year? I must say, welcome to Hogwarts. I am Percival Weasly, a prefect of the noble house of Bravery and Daring, Gryffindor. Is there anything I can help you with today?"

The description that the grinning twins had given her definitely did not describe the compartment of older students at all. As she stared at the older redhead who bore striking resemblance to the two, Hermione was beginning to think that she had been had.

"I am Hermione Granger. I'm sorry, but I believe I have been given a factually inaccurate account for you. I believe some relatives of yours were spreading misinformation and were trying to insinuate that you were bullies and thieves." The red haired prefect nodded although Hermione could recognise the annoyance and exasperation in his eyes.

"Ah yes. My Brothers." As he said the word pertaining to his relationship with the twins, he seemed to shudder. The group of older students behind him seemed to nod or clutch their hands to their hearts in a show of solidarity. "You best do well to ignore them, they are pranksters and louts at best. I try to reign them in but it is for the best that you try not to get on their radar as they are unable to comprehend the consequences for their actions."

"Ah, thank you for that information." Hermione nodded and vowed to herself not to associate with the two again. "But that is not what I am here to discuss. I am actually here to discuss the whereabouts of a student's luggage. She claims that it was stolen by older students...with badges..." She trailed off as she considered just what direction her 'quest' had gone.

"I guess it as confiscated for a good reason!" She blushed in embarrassment as she tried to back out of the conversation with the closest thing to the schools authority.

"If you talking about Suika Ibuki, then we received information from Deputy Head Master Professor McGonagall to immediately confiscate her belongings as she would most likely be harbouring alcoholic contraband." The prefect piped up, completely ignoring Hermione's attempt to flee the conversation. "I don't want to be the one to tell you this Miss Granger but you seem like a good kid. You must not allow yourself to take what you hear at face value, there are many people who you will meet that will lie and attempt to manipulate you."

"Um, thank you sir for the ad-"

Hermione was cut off as a loud siren blared through the room, causing all of the prefects to snap into action. "Someone just broke into the Compartment of Confiscated Contraband!"

* * *

"Miss Ibuki. Where. Is. Your. Trunk?"

"haaaaah, i made it a black hole"

* * *

"I'm half and half. Me Dad's a muggle, me Mam's a witch. He got a bit of a nasty shock when they got married."

"What about you Neville?"

Harry watched on as he helped himself to a treacle tart, trying to maintain a low profile. The students on his side of the table seemed to be discussing their families while he found himself drawn to the discussion between Hermione Granger and Ron's brother Percy, the former whom seemed to be trying to pry information about what they would be learning, particularly that of transfiguration.

"You'll be starting small at first, just matches into needles. That sort of thing."

Every now and then during the discussion, his gaze turned towards Suika Ibuki, who seemed to be swaying where she sat. Once he even had to grab and steady her before she fell back. Something in the back of Harry's mind that the table probably would have been sent flying.

"That hat was boooring, I wanted to fight a troll." The horned girl slurred and swayed.

The discussions around the girl ground to a halt as they regarded the statement. Neville stopped his story of discovering his magic while Hermione glared at her. Percy glanced at the girl and shook his head in frustration before continuing his explanation of Transfiguration to Hermione while further down the table Ron's two twin brothers raised their goblets in salute and made a cry of affirmation.

* * *

"And finally, I must tell you. This year, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is off limits to anyone who does not wish to die a painful death."

Harry gave a slight chuckle but his voice was only one of the only few that could be heard and then eventually there was silence. He was about to ask Percy whether these sort of warnings were jokes that the esteemed Headmaster often made but he was cut off.

"CHALLENGE ACCETED."

The cry came from Suika Ibuki. The girl had jumped up onto her seat, one leg raised onto the table, fist raised into the air triumphantly as she stared directly at the headmaster.

The entirety of the Great Hall was still as they stared at the outburst from the first year Gryffindor, Harry included. Although out of the corner of his eye, he saw a a brief flicker of movement as Professor McGonagall, who he had been informed was the Head of Gryffindor, seemingly dropped her head into both hands.


	3. Why We Can't Have Nice Things

"Her-mione Gr-ranger?"

"Present."

"Daphene Greengr-rass."

"Here."

"Gregory Goyle."

"Yes sir?"

"Wayne H-h-hopkins?"

"Here, p-p-professor."

"Suik-ka Ibuk-ki?" Silence permeated the room.

"Suika Ibuki? Where is Suika Ibuki?"

* * *

"Come on you god damn room! I require you to show me where she hid my Gourd!"

* * *

It was Saturday Evening, the first of of the year for the Hogwarts Curriculum. Many of the students had found themselves either acquainting themselves with the castle or were lazing around on the grounds, basking in the dying light as sun turned to moon.

The professors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry however found themselves doing neither of these things.

A bottle of Firewhisky, courtesy of one first year student, floated around the table in the staff room as the professors commiserated another year back as they all discussed the students to look out for in terms of Magical Potential or were those that would need to be watched, lest the entire school go up in flames.

Minerva held her glass out for longer, as the bottle of her wayward drunken student supplied much more than was strictly necessary.

"I feel as though I am quite remiss to say this," Filius Flitwick started up once the Firewhisky had made a full circulation around the room. "But I fear that your two Lions, the Weasley Twins, are appearing to rear up in preparation to cause even more trouble this year, rather than settle down as you would have hoped, Minerva. I've already received several complaints from my Ravens regarding several of their traps. Admittedly, their mechanisms seem quite fascinating, Miss Tonks theorised that a Silencing trap targeted her specifically out of the pack she was travelling in because it targeted her Metamorphmagus lineage."

"Or perhaps she simply stumbled into it because she tripped over her own shoelaces?" Severus Snape drawled from his corner of the room. No one backed him up, yet no one refuted him either. "We knew those two dunderheads would be trouble last year, we know that they are going to be trouble so lets move this conversation along to more pressing issues."

"Oh for Merlin's- here we go." Aurora Sinistra, the Astronomy teacher muttered to herself as she tossed her head back and downed the glass in one go.

"Potter." Severus spat. "He is Lazy. Arrogant."

* * *

"Mr Potter, our new celebrity. Tell me what would you get if added powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of Wormwood?"

"Psst, Harry. Zombie Potion."

"I don't know sir."

"I see. Where would you look if I asked you to find me a Bezoar?"

"Psst, Harry. Stomach of a Goat."

"I'm sorry sir, but don't know what that is, but I would probably check the supply closet."

* * *

"He fails to comprehend basic instructions to such a degree that he puts the entire class in danger."

* * *

"What are you doing Suika?!"

"Making Firewhisky. I think? I have no idea what it's made out of, other than Fire, so cut me some slack. Jeez."

"Potter, what on earth is thi- EVERYONE GET DOWN!"

* * *

"I have half a mind to remove Potter from my classes indefinitely."

"Ah," Madame Pomfrey nodded along to Severus' rant. "So that explains who was behind why half of your class came in to the hospital wing with minor burns. I shall keep an eye out on him; he strikes me as the type to frequent my halls."

There were murmurs of agreement as the whisky started settling in the Professor's stomachs and coursing through their veins. It was at this point that Minerva spoke up.

"If that is everything Severus?"

"It is."

"Well then, as much as you may dislike the boy's father Severus, Harry Potter shall not be excluded from anyone's class for the time being. As the Head of Gryffindor, I shall be overseeing the Detention you gave him while I am giving you free rein to oversee Ibuki's detention."

"You are going to coddle to boy, I can tell."

"Quite frankly, yes. From what I have learned, he has lead a rough life and deserves any and all help we can give him" There were nods all around the room. Aurora raised her glass and the bottle of Firewhisky rushed over to pour itself into it before she took a sip and raised it again in a show of agreement.

"Don't come crying to me when Quintuple X creature smuggling becomes the boy's bread and butter."

"Are you done? Severus."

"Quite."

"Now," Minerva took a sip of the Firewhisky in her glass, it burned all the way down her throat. It was a good burn, one that took of the edge and eased the tension in her ageing bones.

She debated whether to drink it straight before deciding to just pour it into her glass to display some modicum of decorum.

"Now, the student I would like to bring your attention to is a first year by the name of Suika Ibuki."

* * *

"Thank Merlin, she's not here yet." Ron muttered as his and Harry's desperate sprint slowed to a stagger as they walked down the aisle of desks, separating the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw First Years. On the Professor's desk Harry noticed an older Tabby-cat that seemed to have spectacle markings around and began to have a bad feeling deep within his stomach.

"Can you imagine the look on McGonagall face? She probably would have gone men-"

The cat leapt of the table and shifted mid jump into the stern faced form of Professor McGonagall.

"-tal. That was bloody brilliant." Ron's voice shifted from relieved to flattering within the space of a heartbeat.

"Thank you very much for your assessment Mr. Weasly."

"We got lost Professor," Harry spoke up haphazardly before the transfiguration professor had the chance to reprimand them. He figured the truth would be a valid enough reason. "We went up a staircase that moved on us. We tried to go back down and look for another way but ended up in the dungeons."

The Head of their House seemed to ponder the words before shaking her head. "I trust you won't get lost on your way to your seats."

He and and Ron breathed a sigh of relief and walked towards the only desk with two free spots, the one at the front, with Hermione being the only occupant. As the pair sat down, Hermione regarded them for a moment before shaking her head and turning back towards the front of class.

"Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous forms of magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class w-"

The sound of the classroom's door being booted open cut off the Professor's opening preamble as Suika waltzed straight – figuratively of course, definitely not literally – down the middle of the hall, a large grin lighting up the entire room.

It would have been much more grandiose she wasn't immediately smacked over the head by a vial that then proceeded to pour it's content down her throat.

"Detention Ibuki."

"Awe." Muttered the rapidly sobering Oni.

* * *

"Oh!" Filius exclaimed as he clapped his hands together in delight. "The girl who created a singularity in the Hogwarts Express' Compartment of Confiscated Contraband! Minerva, I must get your permission to discuss with her how exactly that enchantment was created, I have never seen anything like it in my entire life! When I first heard, I believed that she shrunk her trunk down to the point where the mass to size ratio would have created it, but no! She actually managed to increase the density of the trunk itself to the point where there is a Suitcased sized Black Hole! It's very lucky that Mr Weasley, er... Percy, not the twins, was able to create a stasis field around it. Otherwise I would have feared for the integrity of the Enchantments on the Train! Oh, and the student's lives, of course..."

Minerva stared at the half goblin duellist before snatching the bottle of Firewhisy out of the air. It tried to escape her grasp but with a flick of her wand she cancelled the enchantment.

"Yes, that Suika Ibuki. She is a first year in Gryffindor. She has no idea how she did it. Some of you may be wondering why you have been issued Sobriety Solutions. I sincerely hope you are no longer wondering given the situation that Filius just described."

* * *

"Ah, Miss Ibuki, I must say that you have caught me quite flatfooted. What brings me the pleasure to see you barging into my office unannounced and without a teacher's escort so late on a Saturday evening."

"Hi Mr Dumbledore Sir, I was just looking for information on what happened to some of my stuff and slash or make a deal. I can tell you where Tom Riddle hid the Resurrection Stone if you tell me where Professor McGonagall hid my Gourd."


	4. Prescriptions

Minerva was beyond giddy as she walked back through the halls to her quarters that she almost had to stop herself from doing a jig.

Harry Potter was an absolute natural, he had the potential to surpass his father as a Quidditch player within a few years at best.

The ability to catch a small flying object at speeds of well over a hundred kilometres an hour and then wrestle the broom to a complete stop with such ridiculous ease.

On one of the school's death traps posing as brooms, no less.

A thought went out to that poor Longbottom, broken bones always did hurt regardless of whether or not it could be fixed with in the hour or not.

Minerva's good mood instantly vanished as she found the window to her room open and a horned girl hovering on a broom, arm reaching into the cupboard hand mere millimetres away from her gourd.

"err... hi?"

"Good morning Suika Ibuki. I would ask why you are breaking about a dozen school rules, but I am quite certain that it would be a waste of both of our times."

"Well... you took less time than I anticipated?"

"That's not an excuse, Suika."

"Sure it is!"

"I am not getting into that farce, Ibuki."

"I'm trying to get it back for Dietary Requirements?"

* * *

"So how many days until you are back on the train and back with your muggle family, eh Potter?"

Harry rolled his eyes before turning away from the turkey sandwich that he had been lucky to find still there so soon before the end of lunch. He had to stop himself from actively salivating over it. They were only offered on Thursday. "About however long it is until the end of the year, Malfoy? How many days until you stop being an annoying git? Oh wait, I don't think it's possible to count to infinity."

Ron almost choked on his lunch while Malfoy scowled before snatching a sandwich off of Neville's plate.

"Hey!"

"You better watch yourself Potter."

"Why?" Ron asked with a grin after swallowing the food he had almost choked on, looking no worse for wear. "So you can help Harry become a Prefect or something? You already helped him become the youngest Seeker in a century. The way I see it, you're a secret Gryffindor, everything you seem to do only ends up working better for us."

"Can you leave Malfoy, I am trying to eat here."

"Potter, me and you. Tonight in the Trophy Room. Wizards duel. Wands only." Malfoy said wiith a smirk. Crabbe and Goyle behind him guffawed loudly.

"Wait wait wait, did I hear that right? A duel?" The glaring match between the Gryffindor Duo and Slytherin Trio was cut off as Malfoy had to duck, lest he get smacked in the head by a wayward horn as Suika leapt out her seat over the table in one smooth motion.

Harry blinked and felt the need to clean his glasses.

"Yeah!" Ron exclaimed. "Malfoy and Harry, I'm his second. Who's yours, you greasy Slytherin? One of the two trolls of yours?"

"What?" Harry looked lost as he stared between the five students crowding him and the sandwich sitting peacefully on his plate.

Malfoy sized up his two body guards. "Goyle. Tonight, at Twelve, in the Trophy Room."

"Nah, tonight doesn't work."

Malfoy blinked. "What do you mean tonight doesn't work? You aren't even involved in this?"

"Fifth Years have Astronomy Tonight. Oh! Next Tuesday no one is doing Astronomy. That's a great time for it. I'll tell everyone!" With that, Suika slipped out of the congregation and ran further down the table.

"Fred, George! Grudge match between Malfoy and Potter! Anything goes! Tell everyone!"

The colour drained from Draco's face as he realised his plans and just been shot out of a cannon. Behind him Crabbe and Goyle glared and cracked their knuckles menacingly.

"Buzz off and go back to your own table, you'll get what's coming to you come Tuesday."

Harry stared at his empty plate and the food rapidly vanishing from the platters in the middle of the table as the bell sounded for the next class, Double History with Binns.

Harry was beyond caring.

* * *

"It was then that in Fourteen Twelve that Yogg led an army of four hundred and twenty seven goblin skirmishers through the fields of-"

"Anyone want to buy some Butterbeer?" Suika suddenly asked out of the blue half an hour into the first half of the double session as she hefted a rather large bag onto her desk.

"The weapons were mostly crude axes comprised of a wooden shaft with stone blades-"

"It's not actually true alcohol like the name would suggest." Harry was sitting close enough to here the barely audible 'Unfortunately.' "The body absorbs a tiny amount of of the alcohol in it, just enough to feel the warmth in your stomach. The rest just passes through harmlessly. I'm selling for Three sickles each, Ten for a pack of four."

"Professor!" Hermione's hand shot up. "Isn't what Suika doing against the rules?"

"Miss Gryffindor Student, I am a ghost here to speak about the intricacies of significant wizarding events from history. I could not care one iota less about any question that does not pertain to that specific set of subjects, now if you don't mind, I shall continue my lesson.

"Although each of Yogg's skirmishers were armed with said axes, his armoury contained approximately three hundred and forty two and three quarter more of them. There is much debate amongst the scholars of the Fourteen Twelve, January Twenty Second, Eleven Thirty Three in the Morning Goblin Pre-Riots as to whether or not the three quarters, which amounts to an axe head made of an alloy of Goblin made steel and Mercury, or as it was known back in the year of Fourteen Twelve as Hydragyrum, or more commonly known as Quick Silver, should be considered as a valid weapon in his armoury.

"It was that failed army of four hundred and twenty seven goblin skirmishers and this armoury that Yogg's first born, Yog was able to arm his own army of two hundred and seventy four goblin raiders later that day and start-"

"I'll take one." Zacharias Smith in Ravenclaw was the first to ask.

"Give us three." Theodore Nott muttered as he tossed the coins over.

"I'll take two four packs." Seamus said with a grin.

"Got enough for Three Galleon's worth?" Harry asked as he fished out his coin purse.

* * *

"Hey Harry and Ron."

The two were sitting in the plush chairs by the fire as Ron struggled over the homework assigned by Professor McGonagall, they were assigned to write a page on the stipulations of Gamp's in regards to food. For some reason, the professor got an almost demented look when their horned classmate asked whether Alcohol was considered food for the purposes of Gamp's Law.

"What do you want Suika?" Harry muttered as he put down his bottle of Butterbeer on his loose parchment of homework. Ron not so subtlety lifted the offending bottle to check what Harry wrote before almost copying his work verbatim.

"A thought occurred earlier today, do you guys actually have any training in duels?" The boisterous girl seemed almost unsure of herself, much to Harry's surprise.

"Not really, no." Harry answered truthfully. Ron was about to open his mouth to refute but thought better of it.

"Want me to help you train for it?"

"Sure?"

* * *

"Malfoy, what's this I heard about you and Potter having a duel?"

Draco wanted nothing more than retreat to his room upon slinking into the Slytherin common room but Gemma Farley, they Slytherin Fifth Year Prefect seemed have a point me charm attuned directly to his his face.

Time seemed to slow to crawl as the Prefect seemed to almost hauntingly glide towards him. It was at that moment that Crabbe and Goyle seemed to come through the door, blocking him from escaping through the only exit, all but guaranteeing a gruesome death.

"Explain. Now." Gemma figuratively snarled with teeth bared, ready to bite his throat out.

Taking a gulp, Draco steeled himself and opened his mouth to explain the entire situation, as he readied himself for execution.

"Draco's gonna smash that stupid Potter's face in." Crabbe provided not so helpfully.

"Yeah, it's an anything goes. I'm his second."

"Err ignore them please Gemma, you know... they aren't too up there in terms of mental prowess."

"Neither are you it seems. You already made that fool the seeker, at this rate that damn Potter is going a to be Merlin damned Prefect if you don't stop screwing around!"

"Well you see... err, I was just going to set the time for a the duel and then blow it off and tell Filch where those two imbeciles will be?" Draco's plan trailed off into a question as he watched the Prefect's figurative scowl become actualized in front of his eyes.

"No, you won't. You were stupid enough to let your silly little plan be overheard and you were outsmarted by the biggest idiot this school has ever seen, a Gryffindor no less! You will be going to that duel, and you will win. Or so help me you will never have a moment of reprieve or the rest of your school years. If you lose, I will personally see to having you take place of the House Elves."

Draco could only nod as he despondently walked towards the bedrooms.

* * *

"The first thing I will tell you is not any cool spell, nor any fancy wandless or wordless type of style, not even how to use alcohol to mitigate the effects of most spells."

"Wait, that's a thing?"

"What I am about to do is train you in the most important skill you will ever learn in your entire life. How to dodge."

"Now Dodge."


	5. The Room of Target Practice

It was Friday night. Hermione watched silently as the clock struck Eight, signifying the beginning of curfew for all the first year students. Her gaze turned towards the duo of Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley who were attempting to subtly move towards the entry to the Gryffindor Common Room.

With righteous anger in her heart, Hermione leapt off of her admittedly uncomfortable chair and made a beeline towards the prefect she had met on the first day of school.

"Percival, are you aware that your brother Ronald, and Harry Potter are attempting to sneak out of the common room explicitly after the bell signifying the start of curfew for first years?"

The two boys stopped in their tracks while Ron made a rude hand gesture towards her back.

Percy looked up from his Arithmancy calculations and regarded Hermione with a withering look. He looked down at his homework, and then towards the duo at the entrance, then back to his books, and then towards Hermione, and then back to his books once again.

"I'm sorry Hermione, I can not help you with your Potions homework at this point in time. Try again after Tuesday." With a wave of his wand, the various books and parchment scattered over the table stacked up to form a tower which perfectly blocked his line from the girl and also from being able to see the common room door.

Hermione seethed in anger before she attempted to peak around the immature display. As she looked at the architecture of books, she found that the prefect had done a vanishing act, leaving only loose parchment and several bottles of Butterbeer behind.

"Did you see that, Gred?"

"Nah, I don't think I did, Forge."

"Yeah, thought so. Me neither."

"Must have been the wind."

Hermione blinked before turning back to the common room entrance only to find the duo of Harry and Ron gone, and the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room left wide open.

"Does no one else care about the sanctity of the rules!?" someone shouted from somewhere. It took her several moments of self reflection and also a helping of noticing the stares from all of the other Gryffindor students before she realised that it came from her own mouth.

"No, not really," Suika said as she passed by and walked through the opening, closing the portrait behind her.

The rest of the students slowly went back to their own businesses as Hermione glared around at everyone, although she mostly snapped back and forth between the common room door and the prefect-less desk.

* * *

"Right, so I've kind of hit a snag, so I won't be slinging any spells at you tonight."

"Oh thank Merlin."

"I may have, perhaps, kind of sort of... er... misplaced my wand so... Instead I'm just going to peg rocks at you!"

* * *

Saturday

Ron grimaced as he attempted to move the fingers on his left hand, not such an easy feat, considering the humongous welt that had grown on his hand.

"I take it back," he muttered. "At least when she was tossing spells they wore off! Where was she even keeping all those rocks?"

"Her pocket probably had one of those spells that expand the space inside of it, like some of those fancy trunks," Harry replied as the two of them sat down at the Gryffindor table. Harry quickly snagged some of the Limited Edition Early Saturday Morning pancakes and sausages for the two of them before anyone else took them.

"Where the hell did she get an entire quarry's worth of rocks and why on earth did she think it would be a great idea to hold them in her pocket!?" In his frustration, Ron had to hold back a wince as he tried to dig into the food with the utensils in his bruised hand.

"You'll be alright." Harry grimaced as he clutched an ice pack to his shoulder. It was the only time he had got hit that session, but it was definitely a good wallop that had ended it. "Remember, we agreed to this."

"I hope she finds her wand soon, I think she broke something."

* * *

"I've got some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that I still haven't found my wand. The good news that I stole… er… Found! A couple of stray bludgers!"

"This is all bad news!"

* * *

Sunday

"Great news everyone! I sorted out the issue with my wand. Also your brothers and Lee here have agreed to help with the training.

"Hi Ronniekins."

"That way you guys can train, they get to pick on their younger brother, and I can pass out drinking simultaneously; it's a win win win!"

Ron looked as though he wanted to cry.

* * *

Monday morning found Harry and Ron silently trudging down hallway towards the Grand Archives leading down to the Great Hall. Harry gave Ron a knowing look as they passed the hidden room near a tapestry of a man teaching trolls how to dance, the one that Suika had commandeered for what seemed to be her daily target practice sessions. No one else seemed to know about it but it always managed to be clean when they arrived.

As the two rounded the corner, they came face to face with a familiar Gryffindor first year, just not the one they were expecting.

"I told Professor McGonagall that you two have been sneaking out every night."

"Are you serious Hermione?!" Harry all but shouted in frustration.

Hermione seemed to ignore his outburst as she continued. "Do you want to know what she told me? She told me that it was a secret studying club sanctioned by Albus Dumbledore himself! I was told to ask you two whether or not I wanted to join."

"Wait what?" Ron blinked. "But why would you want to join in on getting rocks chucked at you?"

"Professor Dumbledore is allowing this?" Harry exclaimed. "Does that mean that he actually wants me to duel Malfoy?"

"Duel?" Hermione tilted her head in confusion before shaking the thought out of her head. "Well anyway, what sort of magic are you studying? Does it have some sort of connotation involved with duelling? Is it-"

"Hermione, I'm just going to stop you there." Harry's mind raced as he put the pieces together. "From what I've seen, you are probably not going to get along with Suika at all so-"

"Neville here wants to join as well."

"Neville here wants to..." Ron trailed off as he repeated what Hermione said.

"Hey guys," Neville muttered from where he was leaning on the balcony, surveying the Grand Staircases. "I'm not going to say I was dragged here unwillingly because that is blatantly false."

"I see... Well either say, I'm going to have to-"

"Hey guys!" Harry felt that a pattern was emerging as he was cut off yet again as their horned classmate rushed up to them. "I got some great news! After you guys left last night, I wasn't feeling too tired so I decided to go adventuring. I ended up raiding Snape's lab and got a shitload of potions and ingredients to use as ammo, although I'm not really sure what they all do and how they affect the skin. Ah well, I'm going to get the twins to help... me... dupe..."

Suika trailed off as her head slowly turned to face Hermione who was looking more and more unimpressed with each passing word.

"I have never met you three in my life. Why are you involving me in your conversation? I must now take my leave, good day sirs."

And with that she leapt over the balcony and plummeted to the ground seven floors below, leaving in her wake a traumatised Hermione and Neville, an amused Ron, and Harry once again questioning the sanity of the Wizarding World.

* * *

"I almost feel bad for her," Harry muttered as he pressed an ice pack against his shoulder. Suika had apparently sensed weakness and had the accuracy to capitalise. "Almost."

"Honestly though, I can see what she means about how dodging is one of the most important thing we can learn," Ron said, barely managing to keep the grin off of his face as he jingled the bag of bag of rocks in his uninjured hand.

"I honestly think it's amazing. How is she dodging all of those spells?" Neville asked as the room flashed in a display of technicolour and dazzling lights.

"So Neville, what was that whole thing with Hermione this morning?" Ron asked as he chucked a rock at the girl, who had the awareness to stop rushing forward lest she get hit by the single projectile.

Suika took a moment to glare over at him before she had to quickly dive to the ground in a roll to avoid a pair of stunners aimed high and low before she had to jump back to avoid the leg locker curse.

"I think she is trying to wage a one witch war against Suika. Hermione thinks that she has corrupted the entirety of Gryffindor and judging by what Professor McGonagall told her yesterday, she is beginning to infect the Headmaster."

"Yeah," Harry spoke up as he removed the ice pack. "I'm honestly surprised that the Headmaster is apparently allowing this."

As Suika leapt back once more to dodge a barrage of stingers, she took a swig out of the Gourd in her hand and then spat out the alcohol which turned into a fireball mid-spray. The twins jumped in front of Lee and shot a combined jet of water at the ball of fire which produced a shocking amount of mist that was quickly blown out the window from a blast of wind from Lee's wand.

What they were not prepared for was Suika rushing straight at the trio with her right fist raised. Fred and George seemed to realise the danger they were in and immediately leapt to the side.

"Stupefy!" Lee cried out and fired the red bolt of magic at the girl, which impacted against her face, but did not manage to knock her out. Lee braced for impact and the last thing he saw before snapping his eyes shut was a manic grin spreading across the horned girl's face.

The punch never came.

"Vengeance!" Ron shouted as he raised his fist to the sky.

"Ow..." Suika muttered as she slumped against the wall clutching her head with one hand and taking the cork off of her gourd with her other. She was covered in a pile of pebbles and rocks. She was promptly ignored as Harry stepped up to take her place.

"Righto then Harry, you ready? On three. One, two." Lee never got to three as the door to the room was slammed open.

The room was silent as Professor McGonagall strode in with a Hermione trailing behind her, eyes alight with smugness. The professor's eyes scanned the room and narrowed when her gaze fell upon the pile of rocks where Suika once lay.

Suika however decided discretion was the better part of valour and jumped out the window.

Harry could not help but marvel at the Room of Requirement, it really did provide everything one needed.


	6. In Which Minerva Loses the Plot

"Hey Cedric! Free Firewhisky in it for you if you umpire the duel between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."

"Er, sure thing small horned child."

* * *

It was Eleven in the Evening and Hermione found herself unable to sleep. The giggling from Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil certainly saw to it, that was for sure.

Hermione snapped open the curtains to her four poster bed to find the two of them surrounding Ibuki's bed and spraying it with aerosols.

There was a moment of silence as the three stared at each other, as if daring the other party to blink first. "Better that god awful odour you call perfume than ethanol," Hermione conceded. The duo cheered before going back to their self appointed task with renewed vigor.

Hermione sighed to herself as she got off the mattress. She definitely wasn't going to be sleeping any time soon.

As she made her way down to the common room, Hermione was greeted to the sight of more than half of Gryffindor still awake.

She felt her teeth begin to gnash when she found her arch nemesis, once again the center of attention as she was exchanging money for that Butterbeer that she never seemed to run out of.

Hermione wracked her mind, trying to come up with a solution. According to the answer provided by Professor McGonagall when she had been prompted, Alcohol was considered food, so she couldn't be conjuring it out of nothing.

She had to be stealing it, Hermione was convinced. After all, there could be no way she could be getting it legally. She was still a student after all.

It was half an hour later when the horde of students began to thin out. She noted that one or two students seemed to trickle out, through the common room door, every minute or so. Eventually all that was left were Harry, Ron and his two brothers, and her arch nemesis.

"I'll scout ahead," Said one of the twins. Hermione never bothered to learn seeing as they always seemed to come as a set.

"And I will escort you ickle first years to the bloodba- I mean duel."

As the group began to leave they were stopped as a voice sounded out through the silence of the common room.

"A word if I may?" Percy Weasley slinked out of the shadows. "I should sincerely hope that you were not planning to cause too much mayhem tonight, oh brothers of mine."

"Nope," One of the twins said as he began to walk towards the common room door.

"We were actually getting ready for a good night's rest as to get an early start tomorrow."

"No duels tonight."

"No Malfoys getting their reputations smeared through the dirt either."

"They are clearly lying!" Hermione found herself shouting from her place by the fire.

The four Weasley brothers and Harry's attention suddenly snapped towards Hermione and she found herself involuntarily gulping at the sight.

Her arch nemesis seemed to take the opportunity to grab her necklace, have the bauble on the inside enlarge itself into a full sized gourd, take a swig from it, and return it to its former size.

Hermione could only stare as the five turned back to their previous conversation.

Her arch nemesis only grinned at her before walking out the door.

"I shall be writing a letter home to either mother or father, depending on your exploits tonight," Percy said after a moment. "Now if you don't mind, I have to chase after a student who is currently breaking the rules by roaming the corridors after curfew."

"Night Perce," Ron called out as the Prefect went after the blatant distraction before the four soon followed after him.

With a guttural scream, pages and leather bound book cover went flying as Hermione tore Hogwarts: A History asunder.

Hermione took a moment to look around and consider what had just happened before a cold sweat began to drip down her spine.

* * *

Harry felt overwhelmed as he was escorted into the trophy room by the Weasley trio. He could barely control his own breathing and his legs felt as though they had been transfigured into lead. Upon entering, he was greeted by a roar that could have been heard all the way back in Little Whinging.

Harry looked over the crowd and attempted to find solace in the roars of approval from the students in red and gold. He spared a glance over at the opposite side of the room to see the small attache of green and silver representing Slytherin.

He was barely able to make out Malfoy sneering at him through the crowd before he was brought into the Gryffindor fold.

"You right, Potter?"

"You got this."

"You beat What's His Face, this chump is small fry."

The colour had left his face far long ago. He was only remaining on his feet through sheer force of will.

"Ladies and Gentlemen." An older student wearing Hufflepuff's yellow and black strode out into the middle of the room. "Now that our contenders have arrived, we can now begin the proceedings. Tonight's entertainment shall be the challenger; Draco Malfoy, and Gregory Goyle standing in as his second."

There was booing from all across the room.

"And they shall be facing off against the Saviour of the World, Vanquisher of You Know Who, The Boy Who Lived; Harry Potter!"

Harry's ears threatened to burst from the sheer volume of the crowd cheering his name. Harry was dimly aware as the Gryffindor students broke their formation and began pushing him towards the center of the room.

"Here Harry, drink this. It will calm the nerves." A goblet was thrust into his hands Harry didn't think twice before emptying the contents into his stomach.

Harry felt as though his throat was immediately on fire. Harry was in a coughing fit as he tried to keep the conflagration in his stomach and not on his robes and surrounding students.

"Lee, what was in that?"

"Dunno, Suika told me to give it to him."

Harry was directed to the center of the room as he struggled to keep from coughing his lungs up. Malfoy on the other hand swaggered up with a confused look in his eyes but grinning all the same at his plight.

"Now gentlemen, this is a no holds barred duel. Winner is decided by knockout, forfeit, or death. ,Harry Potter VERSUS Draco Malfoy. On three. One, two, thr-"

"Confundus!" Draco shouted as he threw his spell at the exact time to coincide with the final count.

Harry didn't care. He was too busy spewing fire on Draco's face.

* * *

Minerva felt a chill run down her spine. She just knew something dreadful was going to happen tonight. She could not fathom what though.

Her thoughts drifted to the the actions of the student body throughout the past week and instantly she deduced who, and with it, most likely what.

Getting out of her warm and comfortable bed, Minerva felt herself drawn towards her cupboard.

There was no way she would get it.

The girl had been attempting to grab the decoy for crying out loud.

However...

Minerva needed to be sure.

She needed to be sure it was safe.

She took a moment to steady herself, breathing in and out, in and out.

In and out.

Her eyes snapped open and with a flick of her wand, the 1956 Hogwarts Quiddich Cup spat a tiny Lion onto her desk, giving a roar of agitation as it landed. Another flick and the Lion transformed into a chest.

She breathed in and out once more.

With a flick of her wrist she opened the small chest and grabbed the object inside before the lid with it's horrendously sharp fangs could take off her hand.

The object she pulled out was most certainly not a gourd of everlasting sake.

All she had acquired was a piece of parchment with a crudely animated horned stick figure dancing around with a gourd.


	7. A Study in Drink

"Hey Professor Sinistra, is there anything magical about the moon that muggles don't know about?"

"Not to my knowledge, Ibuki. Why do you ask?"

"So there is no magical illusion over it hiding a magical civilization from muggle eyes?"

"Merlin no! What weird muggle stories have you been listening to make you think that?"

Severus Snape was an important man who was not to be trifled with. His time was valuable and if it was to never be wasted, to do so would be an offence of the highest magnitude.

Which is what he liked to believe anyway. To be honest, he was planning on spending his time sitting in his office reading a gripping novel with only an ice cold alcoholic beverage to keep him company.

There were several snags in that plan.

The first was that supposed to be watching over some brats who were brilliant enough to earn themselves detention.

The sounds of eight sponges being scrubbed against pewter was almost music to his ears. "Get back to work Stebbins or you will find yourself back again tomorrow."

The sound of nine sponges being scrubbed against pewter was music to his ears.

Severus inwardly shuddered as he felt the need to look anywhere but Finnigan's attempt at explaining how to create an anti deafness cure before resolving to pair him with Granger for their next class and nowhere near anything flammable. Most likely directly below the room's sprinkler charm.

The other one of those problems was that the bottle of Firewhiskey he had been sitting on had gone missing.

Severus stared at his favourite mug with a sense of longing.

His thoughts were cut off as suddenly a loud pounding resounded from the door.

Severus got to his feet with a swish of his long black cloak and prowled past the shocked students before proceeding to unlock the door and pull it open in one smooth motion.

"Miss Ibuki, so you have finally decided grace my laboratory with your presence."

"Sorrrry, I was getting dru-"

"I do not care not care what your excuse is," Snape snapped, cutting off the girl from coming up with some inane excuse that he really did not care for at that moment in time. The room was quiet as time stretched on, the only sound being that of eight sets of sponges being raked across pewter.

"Fifty. Seven. Points." Every syllable was drawled as Severus stared imperiously down at the child. "Shall be taken from Gryffindor. One point for every minute of my time that you so shamelessly wasted."

"What!?" Came the angered outburst from the front of the room where the few students in red had been scrubbing.

"Get back to work Stebbins or that sponge will fill it."

It was a tactic Severus used often when dealing with problem students. Draw a wedge between the rule breaker and their house, and let peer pressure do the rest.

"'Okay. Can I come in now?"

As Severus stepped aside, more to not get scraped across the stomach by the girl's horns than to actually be courteous, he felt a sneer of annoyance threatening to split across his face but quickly schooled his features, "The set time for a detention is not just a mere suggestion. I do not care if you are attempting to write an assignment, watching a Quiddich game, or fighting a troll, you will show up on time."

"'kay."

Severus stared at the complete lack of reaction as the girl just slowly ambled past him and sat down at an empty table before resting her honed head on the table before seemingly falling asleep.

Severus spied the clock once more and swallowed as he felt the weight of the decision he was about to make fall over him.

He glanced at his mug once more.

The clock struck Six.

"Detention is over, get out of my sight."

"Her-mione Gr-ranger?"

"Present, sir."

"Daphene Greengr-rass."

"Here."

"Gregory Goyle."

"Here."

"Wayne H-h-hopkins?"

"Here"

"Suik-ka Ibuk-ki?"

"Suika Ibuki. Why do I evv-even both-ther?"

"I don't remember. Was it Yog with one g that was the dad?" Ron asked over breakfast.

"I couldn't tell you," Harry muttered as he ate, one eye watching the door to the main hall, all but ready to leap out of his seat and bolt for the entrance.

"Screw it, Yog's army was replaced with Yogg's with 700 raiders," Ron said as he finished his homework with a flourish and then slammed his quill down. "What sort of sick and twisted freak thinks that a deadline for an assignment should be Eleven Thirty Three on a Saturday morning?"

"Someone who has let the afterlife mash up their brain." Seamus Finnigan muttered from the other side of the table.

"If I ever decide that I want to torture people by becoming a teacher," Dean Thomas piped up. "Just exorcise me when I die."

"You know," Parvati Patil said from further down the table. "I think Binns is actually really hardcore." She received a tables worth of blank stares in response.

"What?" Ron broke the silence, blinking incredulously.

"Well just think, Nearly Headless Nick came back because the axeman was so bad at the job, the Fat Friar because he refused to let a death stop him from having a good time. And then there is the Bloody Baron, who even knows how he got those blood stains. And then Binns, he says screw you to the veil and decides to continue teaching anyway."

There was silence as the Parvati eventually found herself sighing. "He is still a boring teacher though."

Murmurs of agreement passed over the table before everyone went back to their own conversations.

The four Gryffindor first years were silent other than the scratching of quills and the clinking of cutlery on plates before Harry quickly jumped to his feet. "Sorry guys, gotta get to the pitch before Wood chucks a fit." He was out the door and onto the grounds before anyone even had time to respond.

"What was that about?" Seamus asked Ron.

"Not sure. You saw him, he was jittery all morning."

"Probably thinks I am going to chuck rocks at him."

Ron jumped as his head quickly swivelled around to face the newcomer. Dean and Seamus seemed nonplussed about the intrusion to the conversation. Greetings were exchanged as Suika sat down in the spot Harry once occupied and began to pile food onto her plate and grabbed an empty goblet.

"So Suika, you get Binns' homework done?"

The horned girl blinked as she regarded the question. An unmarked bottle that Ron never remembered her having was being poured into the goblet she held.

"Home...work?" She tested the words, as though she was unable to fathom how the two syllables were able to be combined. She put the goblet aside and then began to drink straight from the bottle.

"Yeah, the assignment that's due today at Eleven Thirty Three?"

"Oh that!"

"That." Ron winced in a show of sympathy.

"Yeah, I just added my name to Hermione's assignment when she wasn't looking. Binns' thinks that we did a joint assignment and had to mark us down to an E because of it."

"Why didn't I think of that?"

"Now students, the spell you will be performing is one of the most renowned spells in all of history; Wingardium Leviosa. Remember the wrist movement that we have all been practicing for the past few weeks, a swish preceded by a quick flick of the wrist. Now show me!"

There was a flurry of motion and wands as the class demonstrated the movement.

"Some of you who have read ahead may notice that the spells involving the animation of objects have wand movements that follow the same basic principle, this is no coincidence as Wingardium Leviosa is one of the key spells in charms that will form the basis for your entire spell repertoire."

Filius could see that he was losing some of the students at the barest mention of the theoretical so he switched course.

"The incantation is Wingardium. Leviosa." He flicked his wand in time with the incantation and the stack of books he was sitting on raised off the stool and he began to guide it around the room.

"Now you try!"

"Wingardium Leviosa!"

The class devolved into a cacophony of mispronounced Latin and wild wand gesticulation directed at the feathers that had been handed out earlier, some achieving much more success than others.

"Oh wonderful! Miss Ibuki, take fifteen points to Gryffindor for that marvelous display of self application. I must say, I didn't think I would have needed to teach you how to dispel the enchantment so quickly, to do so just say… Er Suika? Stay away from the window, now."

"I must go, my people need meeeeeeeee."


	8. Hagrid's Relaxing Day

"Oi George, c'mere a minute."

Halloween, or Samhain as the more traditional wizards preferred to celebrate, came on a particularly cool Autumn day.

All around the castle, decorations had been set. Flocks of Summoned bats flitted overhead throughout the hallways, swooping down at groups of students. The suits of armor became autonomous and stalked any student who dare to travel alone.

And two third year Gryffindor brothers found themselves hidden in an unused classroom on the Seventh Floor across the hallway from a tapestry of a foolish wizard teaching trolls how to dance with predictable results. One of the brothers was carefully stirring a cauldron filled to the brim with a sickly green goop while the other looked over a mess of parchment sprawled across a wide circular table.

"Gimme a second. This part is somewhat delicate."

"Seriously, you need to check this." With a sigh, the mixture was abandoned.

"Right, so what exactly am I looking at?" George asked as he walked over to their personal surveillance system.

"Here." Fred pointed at a cross section of the sixth floor, directing his brother's gaze to Flitwick's classroom."

"Okay? Suika is apparently flying out the window, but what are you trying to get at?"

"Kitchens." Fred pointed at the first floor.

"That's weird. Why is the map showing her in two dif-" George paused as he looked closely.

"Sixty Seven, I counted."

"Huh… So that's a thing."

Silence permeated the room as the two stared down at the map.

"I'm beginning to think there's something not right about that girl."

"What, you mean besides the horns and the alcohol addiction?"

"I'm serious, George."

"Yeah…" The two lapsed into silence once more before it was broken by the duo's screams as the cauldron melted and it's contents spilled over the floor.

* * *

"Fall back!"

"There's too many of them."

"Gentle-elves!" Mipsy, the head chef of the House Elf Brigade, voice sounded throughout the kitchen. He alone stood against the oncoming horde brandishing a knife in his off hand, his vest pockets filled to the brim with exploding pies and a heart full of fire.

The panicking momentarily stopped as both the House Elf Alliance and the enemy Oni Horde stopped to listen.

"In all of my years serving with you, I have never taken the time out of my day to thank you for being there through the good times and the bad."

Mipsy snapped his fingers, and was suddenly among the horde of small horned children, gleefully stabbing and popping them into mist.

"When I was given this vest, I thought my days were numbered! That I was a failure of an elf and deemed unfit to serve Wizardkind!"

Another snap of his fingers and he was clinging to the chandelier, summoning knives and forks to throw into the horde.

"But now! I now know my former Masters were true seers and only had all of elf-kind's interest at heart!"

"Gentle elves, it has been an honour."

He closed his eyes and breathed out, whispering lightly.

"The Eve of Samhain. Fitting."

He dropped from the chandelier.

"ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH!"

Cream filled the room and many Oni's were washed away by the coming tide, evaporating into nothing but mist. All except one, one that had escaped the blast by hiding inside a large cauldron.

The remaining Suika applauded the performance before she resumed stealing all the food that wasn't bolted down.

"I thought that was really cool, Mipsy."

"I hate you."

* * *

Rubeus Hagrid, the Hogwarts Groundskeeper and Keeper of Keys was having quite the relaxing afternoon, he thought to himself as he sipped his tea and scratched Fang's ears.

* * *

"Ah, come in Severus. I've been meaning to speak with you." Albus Dumbledore's voice drifted through door. As Severus stepped into the headmaster's chambers, he found Albus not sitting at his desk doing whatever it was he did to actually run the school, but hunched over a basin that he knew to be the Headmaster's Pensieve.

"About what, exactly?"

Albus exhaled slowly as he slowly stood up straight. "Something has been running through my mind for the past few weeks."

"Does it involve Quirrel, Ibuki, your complete disregard for common decency, or Potter?" The last one he said with a bit of venom.

"Yes." Albus ran a hand over his beard. "It is quite possible it does, if one of my theories is actually true."

Severus waited for him to elaborate.

Moments passed before Albus spoke up again. "Well aren't you going to ask about my theory?"

"I am not playing this game, Albus."

"Ah well, I guess it can't be helped. I shall see you later then, Severus."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "How does it involve your theory, Albus."

"I'm glad you asked Severus." Albus said with a clap of his hands before stepping away from the basin. "Today is Samhain, which as a Runes Master, I am absolutely certain you know what that means."

"I teach Potions, not Runes," He drawled as a familiar sigh escaped his mouth. "Can we please not do this?"

"Hmm, did you say something, Severus? As I was saying, today is Samhain and thus we have a small window where we can act."

"Act on what, exactly?" Severus stared at headmaster, completely unable to comprehend what Albus was dragging him into.

"Now if you would kindly step over to the Fireplace, I would like to show you a place that an informant recently told me about."

"Is this really necessary, Sir?" He asked, not so subtly edging towards the door.

"Why Severus my boy, apparently, you are absolutely vital to my continued ability to live on this mission we are about to embark on. At least, I think that is what my informant was trying to tell me. Riddle House." With a shrug of his shoulders and a flash of green fire, Albus was gone and Severus was left with many, many questions as he scrambled for the Floo Powder.

* * *

"Miss Granger, take a seat. I am glad you could make it, although I apologise for dragging you away from your Charm's class. I wanted to discuss something with you."

The words filled Hermione with dread, all she could think of was back to that night, where she let her anger and rage lash out. The Professor had almost certainly found about the 'Hogwarts: A History' book that she had torn apart, she never could repair a couple of the pages properly.

"I um… What did you want to discuss, er, Professor?" She asked smoothly as she sat down in the plain chair on the other side of the Deputy Headmistress' desk.

It as the longest fraction of a second that Hermione had ever experienced in her life as she watched the Professor regard her, as though she was a dragon about to start feasting on a flock of sheep.

"Miss Granger, how are you finding your studies?"

Hermione inwardly panicked. It was all but guaranteed that the Professor knew about the book, and this conversation was just a formality in an attempt to get her to unwittingly confess.

"I am ripping through the material at a rapid rate." She said with a smile.

Hermione could barely hear anything as she screamed internally at her unwittingly poor choice of words.

"That's putting it lightly." The professor said with a smile. "Your other professors all speak quite highly of you."

Hermione knew that she had just hammered in the final nail to her coffin. Madam Pince had always been giving her bad looks, she probably combed through every particle of every book she had ever touched. Those few badly reattached pages must have been blatantly obvious!

"Ah, that's… er… Thank you Professor!"

"Is everything alright Hermione?"

"Yes professor."

Her throat was dry and she found it difficult to swallow. Sweat formed on the back of her neck.

This was it. Any second now, the Deputy Headmistress would pull out an Expulsion form and she would find her bags packed and readily leaping into her arms.

An eternity dragged on as the professor regarded her before she shook her head and continues.

"Hermione, I do not ask this lightly, but I believe that you are in a unique position to assist me with something that has been tearing away at me."

Hermione stared in horror at the sentence that was about to be passed. She gulped, however she looked straight ahead. It was a mistake that she would have to live with for the rest of her life.

She would go back to her parents a complete failure, yet she would have learned a valuable lesson about never letting her anger take a hold of her as she lived the rest of her life as a muggle.

A bittersweet thought formed in her head, she would never have to deal with her Arch Nemesis ever again.

"I have a task."

Hermione's spiral of despair ground to a halt.

"A task that I believe only you can help me with."

"Absolutely Professor McGonagall!" Hermione grabbed on to the lifeline and vowed to never let go. It was air to a man that was drowning.

Whatever it as that the professor wanted, Hermione would pursue it like a woman possessed. She vowed, whatever it was, she would go above and beyond the call of duty. She would never rest until the Deputy Headmistress was satisfied.

"Mind you, this is not something I feel comfortable admitting."

Perhaps that way she might have a fraction of a chance to maintain her position at the school for another few hours.

"Hermione. I need your help reigning in Suika Ibuki." Her gaze became conspiratorial. "To gain her trust and lower her guard. To help her become the upstanding student I believe she can be."

"Sure thing. Professor."

Hermione continued to smile brightly as tears of despair began to leak from her eyes.

* * *

Hagrid soon ran out of tea, but not before his thirst had been quenched and Fang had fallen asleep. It was indeed a very relaxing afternoon.


	9. Chapter 9

"And now Severus, I present to you our destination!"

Severus stared at the sight that he hypothesized was once a house at some point in time in the far distant past-more of a former hovel really.

"And what exactly are we doing at this random pile of rubble in the middle of nowhere?"

"But we aren't nowhere, if I had intended to go nowhere, I would've announced it when I had used the floo powder just a moment ago." Dumbledore then shook his head in a most dour way. "To think, someone as young as you would lose their mind so quickly." Snape had to repress an errant twitch.

"So why are we… HERE at this pile of rubble then?"

"Why Severus, my boy. We are staring at a pile of rubble that once was the home of the Gaunt Family."

Severus breathed in and out and attempted not to scream.

"What is our task?"

"Our task? We, that is to say, I don't have a task." Dumbledore stepped back and gestured for Severus to step towards the wreckage of wood and stone. "This is your moment. Seize it!"

Severus continued to stare at the headmaster and once again questioned his life choices. The silence dragged on for what felt like hours before he sighed to himself and stepped forward with his wand ready in his outstretched hand.

"Reparo?"

"Not quite."

"Evanesco?"

"You are on the right track."

"With all due respect, sir," He spat, "I have absolutely no clue what this contrived 'plan' involves that you have conceived in your senility addled brain. For once in your life could you explain in plain English what exactly you want done? At least that way I won't have to spend several hours contemplating whether I should just throw either you or myself from the Astronomy Tower."

"Try Bellua Ignis."

"Bellua… You want me to cast what?!"

"We are destroying one of Tom Riddle's six current Horcruxes, do try to keep up Severus."

* * *

Lightning crackled from the bewitched ceilings above occasionally striking a pumpkin, arcing around the entire room to envelop the halls with an eerie glow and the candles that usually floated around the great hall had been replaced with lit Jack-o-lanterns that occasionally blew tufts of flame, adding to the atmosphere. Harry decided, that it was a bit much.

Each table had been adorned with more lollies and sweets than Harry had seen in his life but less then Dursley's dentist, he'd wager. He felt slightly uncomfortable sitting next to Ron who was tearing through the feast as though he had not one single scrap of food in the entire school year.

Although, Harry thought as he looked down at his own plate, he could hardly comment on the matter without looking like a hypocrite. He quickly snatched the Chocolate frog that had attempted leap off of his plate and viciously bit the head off.

All around him, students seemed to be either relishing and indulging themselves or were having loud conversations and carousing. Even Ron's older brother Percy had put down his quill and parchment to engage himself in an animated discussion with the Ravenclaw table next to theirs.

Harry allowed himself a grin as he stared across the room to the Slytherins where Malfoy seemed to be sitting miserably with an empty plate in front of him as he occasionally reached to hand articles of food over to what he thought was one of the Prefects, serving them like a demure butler.

Well, as much as any butler could be when serving food while sitting down at least.

However as he looked around, he saw another student who seemed to stand out among the crowd of happy and jovial teenagers.

"Man this is so good. Harry you gotta try this." Harry interpreted from Ron, who was taking a bite out of what he believed was either a chocolate, sugar coated chicken leg or a brown hunk of fudge that had been fried in a year's worth of grease.

"Uh yeah, save me one. I'll be back in a minute."

"'kay."

At the end of the Gryffindor table, as far from the festivities as possible, Harry found Hermione sitting and staring at her plate of food. Harry noted that the provided utensils had yet to be touched. Another quick glance revealed that she hadn't resorted to treating everything as finger foods as Ron had.

"Is everything alright Hermione?" Harry asked as he sat down next to her. From the close distance he could see that her eyes were puffy yet her face was pale.

Hermione's head snapped up upon hearing her name and looked around for the source of her distraction. Harry saw a brief flicker of surprise upon recognized that it as him that was initiating a conversation with her when she finally found who had uttered her name.

"I, er, Harry. Um... What was that you were asking about?" She asked eloquently.

"Is everything alright?" Harry asked again. "You looked kind of distracted."

"Yes!" Hermione exclaimed as her eyes darted to the side. "Nothing wrong at all! Everything is one hundred per- no! One hundred and twenty percent absolutely perfectly fine!"

Harry stared blankly at the large grin that Hermione was displaying in an attempt to show her sincerity.

Time dragged on as Hermione's eyes nervously glanced around and her obviously fake grin seemed to fall.

Finally the grin fell away completely and Hermione found herself sighing. "Have you seen Suika? I really need to speak with her."

"No one has seen her since Charms this afternoon," Neville answered, causing the two of to jump in surprise at the intrusion to the conversation. "She messed up the levitation spell and floated out the window towards the Forbidden Forest. What I heard is that Professor Quirrel was sent to find her."

It made sense that he was the one sent to such a dangerous place, he'd probably be alright.

"Aranea Exhu-hume!" Quirinus Quirrel snarled in frustration as whipped around and jabbed his wand towards the giant spider attempting to stalk him.

Of all nights, he thought to himself, the one Merlin damned night that he planned to set his Troll scheme into motion, some imbecile decides to get themselves lost in the forest. "Point me to Suika Ibuki." He attempted the locating spell once again, but had to instantly cancel it as he could feel his wand threatening to splinter in to pieces as it seemed to want to point in several directions at once.

"Aranea Exhume!" Another acromantula was blasted away mid leap.

Quirinus had been on the verge of setting his plan into motion before the some student came rushing in to the staff room to tell the harrowing tale and then suddenly he found the entire staff deciding that it was the greatest idea that he was the only one fit to find the wayward student.

"He's a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, surely he'd be the most well equipped for the task." Someone yelled out and the other teachers all nodded in agreement, glad that they themselves would not have to lift a finger.

Each and every last one of them would feel his wrath an-

More spiders leapt out of the brush, interrupting his vengeful thoughts.

* * *

"She flew out the window?" Hermione squeaked. "But personal flight is supposed to be impossible! It said that in the right in the the introduction to Introduction to Charms!"

"She cast it on her clothes?" Neville queried with a slight shrug. "I doubt she would have gotten hurt when she finally got back to the ground. You saw that thing she pulled a few weeks ago, just jumping straight off the balcony before stumbling away. It took Filch days to retile it… by hand."

Neville turned back to his food, scratching his chin as his eyes took on a contemplative glaze for a split moment before he turned back to two of them.

Neville tilted his head and squinted his eyes in confusion at Hermione. "Why do you need to know where she is?"

"Yeah Hermione," Harry chimed in. "You two never struck me as the best of friends."

"We aren't!" Hermione insisted loudly. "I'm just… er… concerned that, um…" She trailed off as she looked anywhere but the two of them, before she spied her book bag and was struck with a flash of inspiration. "I want to help her study so she doesn't fall behind and start losing Gryffindor any more points. She lost us Ninety Two last week!"

Neville nodded at her explanation while Harry took a moment to consider how little the dozen or so he lost from Snape in the first week truly mattered.

"Makes you think, doesn't it Gred."

"Sure does, Forge."

Their conversation was interrupted once more when the two people that she loathed almost as much as her Arch Nemesis sat down at the empty seats next to them.

"Makes you think about what?" Harry asked.

"Why it's simple, Mr Destroyer of Evil,"  
"Indeed it is, Boy Who Laughs at Death,"  
"Our entire shtick is being trouble starters and merry makers."  
"That girl is encroaching on our territory."  
"To be completely honest though, the more the merrier we say."

Hermione felt her eyes twitching involuntarily as she watched the two twins rapid fire bounce off of each other. She could barely keep track of the conversation.

"But the way she so blatantly ignores Hogwarts most ancient and traditional rules such as Points and Detentions; it's simply tragic."  
"What a travesty."  
"Isn't it Forge.  
"It is Gred. Yet at the same time, it is inspiring."  
"Too right. It's simply tragic that it took a first year to make us realize the error of our ways."

"I don't believe you!" Came the shout from Percy, before he turned back to the Ravenclaw table.

The two twins shrugged to each other before continuing.

"As Mr Weasley and I were saying, it is simply tragic that it took us a first year to make us realize the error of our ways."  
"Mr Weasley and I have been too caught up in trying to actually get away with stunts to realize our true potential."  
"Challenge accepted if you will."  
"Miss Ibuki is a true inspiration to us all."

The two finished their dual monologue and stood up and each threw neon yellow flasks into the ceiling.

The clouds swallowed the vials and then suddenly, the crackling of lightning ceased and was still, along with the entirety of the students and faculty in concert.

Suddenly there was a blinding display of light as almost a thousand bolts of lightning struck from the ceiling; one bolt for each person in attendance.

Almost the entirety of the school had afros for the rest of the week.

* * *

"Enough is enough! I've have had it with all of these Merlin damned spiders in this Merlin forsaken forest! Aranea Exhume! Aranea Exhume! Avada Kedavra! BELLUA IGNIS"

* * *

Argus Filch liked to think of himself as a simple man. He wanted not for fame nor fortune, not even for the respect of his peers. He just wanted to maintain a steady job and live out his Autumn years in relative peace, keeping the castle running with his loyal familiar by his side.

Although that was much easier said than done with all those blasted children running around threatening to send the castle crashing to the ground!

He also wanted to be able to wield magic so he could laze about and do his job with simply the flick of his wrist, but that was neither here nor there.

Argus was sitting by the the fireplace in his quarters, basking in the warm glow and listening to the soft crackling, swirling a murky glass of pumpkin juice in his hands. He took a brief look down at his watch and contemplated prowling the castle, spending yet another night being unable to sleep.

Argus' ears perked when he heard the soft padding of paws rushing along the hall and he was out of his seat and opening the door before Mrs Norris could even begin her agitated meowing.

"What is it girl?" He asked, absentmindedly scratching behind the cats ears.

He received a tilt of the head, before Mrs Norris looked towards the end of the hell, telling him all he needed to know.

As Argus stomped down the hall, he could smell the thick stench of alcohol wafting out of a class room close by to the lavatories. Through the closed door, he could hear the telltale soft snores of a student passed out.

A moment later he left the room, a vicious grin on his face, a small purple Gourd in his hand to be delivered straight to the Deputy Headmistress.

But not before he had a sample.


	10. A Beautiful Festi Friendship

"Now here we are, Severus. Number Twelve Grimmauld Place."

"I must have gone insane, there is no number twelve."

"Not to worry Severus, your senility has not progressed that far yet. Your mental faculties are still on par with mine."

"You are a veritable font of reassurance, sir."

"I do try. However, it appears that today's quest has hit a snag."

"I am not casting Fiendfyre again, and definitely not so blatantly in the open, if that is what you are implying."

"None of that Severus, I am not about to have innocent lives put in danger simply to progress my own goals.

"So what are we looking at?"

"Why Severus, it appears that we are looking at the remnants of a Fidelius charm cast by myself four years in the future."

There was the sound not unlike the cracking of a whip or a car backfiring.

"Severus?"

* * *

November First had arrived and with it, a chilly splattering of sleet with mist rolling in from the Forbidden Forest.

At Five Thirty, the sun was barely peeking over the trees and through the mist, leaving the castle barely illuminated, and a bleary eyed and barely conscious Nymphadora Tonks found herself wandering the halls.

On days like this, Nymphadora, or as she much preferred, Tonks, would much rather be lying on her bed, wrapped up in her blankets ready to send a curse or ten at anyone who attempted to make her leave.

She also slept with her wand under her pillow in case she had to make those curse words a bit more literal.

However on the First of November, the day after Samhain, it was not meant to be.

At Five in the morning, she had been rudely awaken for having the gall to be asleep at an actual reasonable hour for once. With her quilt and pillow vanished from the world, because how dare she ' _befoul the most ancient and noble rituals of Samhain'_.

In all of the entirety of her life, she had never actually been told what exactly was so special about the so called Wizarding holiday.

In Tonks's usual wanderings, she found herself making beelines towards the kitchens but something pulled her on a different path on this fateful day, something she just could not quite put her finger on.

As she made her way up the stairs and on to the second floor landing, something faint, yet familiar hit her nostrils.

As a seventh year student, she had made it her goal to become acquainted with all of the known alcoholic substances in the known Wizarding World, a task that she could pursue without fear of reprisal due to her recent Seventeenth Birthday which made it legal for her to drink here in Britain… well wizarding Britain at least.

Following the scent, Tonks peered around the corner only to an almost opaque mist of alcohol and the silhouette of a body slumped against a door to one of the hall's classrooms.

"Hey! Are you alright?" She cried as she swished her wand, non verbally casting a bubble head charm, and then rushed towards the collapsed person, abandoning all thoughts about annoying traditionalists and wine sampling.

Once she discovered who she was rushing to help, she almost had second thoughts as she felt that turning around and walking back the way she came seemed like the most logical choice, but she sucked in her instincts and leaned down to evaluate the unconscious castle caretaker.

Argus Filch was lying against a door with his cat, Mrs Norris, laid flat besides him. There was a gourd resting in his hand, slowly pouring an unrelenting stream of clear liquid into a massive puddle that surrounded the two.

A puddle that was quickly evaporating.

A quick diagnosis charm later and Tonks immediately set about kicking herself for almost having a panic attack over a man who was simply sleeping off the effects.

Taking a step back to survey the scene, what with its potential blackmail material, Tonks's eyes narrowed as she once again took in the details of the Gourd. It was kind of hard not to recognise it, seeing as the owner was the Patron Saint of Students Dying of Thirst.

Tonks's schooled her features into a blank mask as a certain idea took hold of her mind.

A quick conjuring here, a replacement charm there, and Filch was left with an empty glass bottle, and Nymphadora Tonks sauntered away; the proud new owner of a Gourd of Everlasting Sake.

Hermione felt refreshed and renewed upon waking up bright and early in the morning on the first of November.

As she struggled out of her bed, fighting her natural instincts to curl up tighter under the covers, she was immediately alerted to the pungent flowery scents that wafted from the two beds to her right.

Turning to her left however, she found that fourth bed uninhabited, and still freshly made from the day before and that there was the distinct lack of the smell of ethanol.

The task appointed to her by the Transfiguration professor flashed through her mind and within moments the good feeling was replaced by a feeling of foreboding and dread.

Within moments, she was dressed and out the door racing down to the common room, hoping against hope.

A groan escaped her throat when she realised that her housemate was nowhere to be seen, causing the several early risers that had already made it down to stare at her for a moment before they went back to their own devices.

Ibuki wasn't even passed out in the chair in front of the window that had somehow been reserved specifically for her.

Of all of the times that she needed to consort with her Arch Nemesis, of course they would have been conspicuously absent.

It also meant that she would have to leave the warmth and comfort of the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

"Hey Fred, I think the map is broken. Why does it seem as though we have a cold front of Suika Ibuki rolling in from the forest?"

"You what mate?"

* * *

Hermione walked down the grand staircase, which thankfully stayed inanimate, but upon hitting the second floor landing, she was caught off guard and subsequently knocked to the ground by an older student in Hufflepuff colours.

"Ah what the f- I mean, are you alright?" Hermione ignored the offered hand and got to her feet in order to glare with full effect at the older girl who had bowled her over.

She had blue hair and for some reason she had a shimmering orb around her head. From what she had learned from borrowing one of the upper year text books, it appeared to be a bubble head charm.

"Yes I am, thank you very much," Hermione said with a huff as she shook her head and attempted to disregard the curious combination. She turned to storm away from the older student, whose hair appeared to be flashing through all the colours of the rainbow.

"Well right then," the older student said with a shrug as she put her hand down. She turned to walk down the stairs before she turned back once more.

"I wouldn't go down that corridor by the way. Filch, the caretaker, got knocked out by some… prank? I think so at least. Not sure. When he wakes up he will probably be on the warpath."

"A prank?" Hermione asked, looking down the corridor that the girl had came from. She could notice faint wisps of something that seemed like smoke or some form of mist from far down the hallway.

"You can see it, can't you? The mist? It's not dangerous per se… I mean technically it is sort of?"

"Not dangerous… Sort of?" Hermione asked dubiously.

The older student seemed unsure of herself before she responded. "You're only what, a first year?" Hermione nodded. "Do you know what alcohol is and what exactly it does to the body?"

Her eyes narrowed and she looked back towards the mysterious fog as thoughts and ideas about what exact materials it could consist of.

"Intimately."

"Well in that case, don't go down there unless you want to get as trolleyed as Filch or that girl with the horns. Ciao."

Hermione regarded the older girl strolling away for a moment before she turned and walked straight into the corridor, the cogs in her mind churning away as she assessed the situation.

The mist had dissipated somewhat and was barely even noticeable before the corridor made a turn. Taking a delicate sniff of the air, she could smell faint traces of a very familiar odor.

She knew she was on the right track.

As she turned the corner, she noticed the silhouette of the Hogwarts caretaker lying slumped next to a classroom door.

She also noticed the almost tangible wall of noxious alcoholic fumes.

Her eyes watering, she fled back around the corner and entered a coughing fit that took her almost a minute to recover from.

As she continued to hack up her lungs, Hermione reconsidered her quest. Thoughts of turning around and heading off to find a professor entered her mind, but she could almost hear the scolding of the Deputy Headmistress spelling her doom.

" _I gave you a simple task of keeping a single student in line. Not only did you fail to do so, but now the Castle's caretaker has been corrupted. Not only shall I see that you never return to this fine establishment that you have absolutely disgraced, I shall see to it that no magical institution ever accepts you again!"_

Thinking quickly, she reached into her bag and pulled out one of her textbooks. She opened it and pressed it to her face in an attempt to use it as a makeshift mask before she made a mad dash around the corner.

She didn't get very far.

As soon as she rounded the corner, her charge ran out of steam due to the fact that the mist had completely disappeared and that a second figure was kneeling next to the unconscious form of the caretaker.

Time stretched on, Hermione not daring to say a word as she watched her Arch Nemesis stare blankly at Filch and Mrs Norris.

"Hey Su-" The horned girls head snapped and Hermione had to take a moment of pause at the cold and calculating glare that poured out of her narrowed eyes.

"Er, hello Suika?" She found herself asking rather than saying. "What are you doing here this early in the morning?"

"Looking for something." Her statement was short and concise and offered no room for further discussion.

Against her better judgement, Hermione ignored the implied end to the conversation. "What exactly are you looking for?" She assessed the situation. "On Mr. Filch?"

There was a noise that sounded distinctly like glass shattering as the oni stood up. Hermione took a moment to stare at the shards of glass clattering to the floor and the remnants of what it contained splashing at her housemates feet.

"My Gourd," Suika responded in an almost whisper.

Hermione didn't really register her answer, she was too busy staring down at the small splattering of red that was dripping to the floor from Suika's hand.

Caution no longer became a concept in Hermione's lexicon as she rushed forward.

"You're bleeding!" Hermione cried out as she grasped the offending hand.

"Uh wah?" Suika asked eloquently as she turned from where Hermione was to where she was now.

"I don't have any bandages on me so we need to get to the infirmary now!"

If there were any witnesses, they would have sworn that Hermione was moving so quickly that the girl that she was dragging kicking and screaming behind her never had the opportunity to plant her feet on the ground.

* * *

The Thirty First of October and the First of November were hallowed days in the traditional wizarding world. Cornelius always believed that to best honour the days were to wake up bright and early on Samhain, and then fall asleep late the next day, using the day after halloween as a yearly sabbatical.

Truth be told, Samhain was the anniversary of his and his wife's divorce and all he really wanted was an excuse to celebrate and then sleep off a subsequent hangover.

Which was why he angrily stomped down stairs and almost accioed the door off of its hinges to prevent whoever it was on his porch from knocking an infuriating rhythm into his skull.

"Do you have any idea what time this is?! What do you want at this Merlin forsaken hour of the morning?" He spat before he realised who exactly was at his door.

"Oh… er good morning Albus?" He blinked as straightened his bathrobe, attempting the transfigure his snarl and bleary eyes into something resembling a human face. "What can I do for you?"

"Good morning Cornelius," Dumbledore said with a warm smile. "I am here to exchange a rat for an imprisoned murderer and psychopath."

Cornelius stared at the headmaster for a moment to regard the Potions Professor who was accompanying the clearly deranged man.

The utterly blank stare he received in return gave Cornelius absolutely nothing. Warily he turned back to the Supreme Mugwamp and involuntarily gulped.

Cornelius opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm afraid this can not wait until tomorrow either, Minister Fudge."


	11. Black Holes and Revelations

"I see… I will send someone over there at once."

"No need, I shall go and retrieve him myself."

* * *

By the time mid November had rolled around at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry had found himself settling into a steady, yet wholly enjoyable routine.

His life consisted of good food, keeping up with classes, hanging out with the Gryffindor first years doing everything yet nothing, exchanging barbs with Malfoy, avoiding Suika Ibuki like the plague, and barely keeping up with all of the back breaking drills that Wood had the Gryffindor Quidditch team running through on a daily basis in the lead up to the first match of the year.

"Dive! Dive! Dive!"  
"Corkscrew!"  
"Maneuver Twelve!"

Harry didn't think twice. He leaned on to the handle of the Nimbus and it responded like putty in his hand. It was only through sheer force of will that he wasn't forced off the broomstick by the sharp and sudden vertical hairpin turn.

He could almost feel the pitch brush against his hair as soon he was figuratively blinded by the bright blue sky as his broom's momentum sent him soaring high above the pitch.

"Nice work Harry. Although next time try to keep the corkscrew a bit tighter," Wood called out as Harry slowed himself to a hover to regain his bearings. "Alright now team, group huddle before we move on to a new drill."

"What the hell was that Wood?!" Alicia Spinnet screamed as she flew her broom towards the Gryffindor captain.

"You alright Harry?" Harry wasn't sure who asked him, but he found himself surrounded by the other members of the team as his swirling vision returned to a non blurry state.

"He hasn't even been flying for a month and you already have him attempting crap that has actually ended careers!" The chaser's voice pierced all through the air field.

"That was bloody terrifying, Potter," One of the twins placed their hand on his shoulder.

"But Merlin be damned if it wasn't wicked brilliant," The other twin responded.

"It wasn't that dangerous, was it?" Harry asked as his bearings finally returned.

"In comparison to what you did to get on the team," Wood seemed to be ignoring Alicia as he maneuvered his broom into the group huddle. "No. Not really."

"You're joking, right Oli?" One of the twins asked, brow creased.

"Because if you are, you have a terrible taste in humour."

"It wasn't dangerous for Harry," Oliver continued as though he hadn't been interrupted. "You are light enough and confident enough on a broom to pull a hairpin on one of the school's old Comets. With your Nimbus it should have been, and evidently was, childs play."

Harry felt a surge of pride flow through his chest as a grin formed on his face.

"Stop encouraging him, Wood!"

"And besides when traveling at that sort of speed, I am speaking from experience here, but slamming head first into snow is a lot less serious than making an imprint on the cas-OOF" The captain was cut off as a bludger smashed into his stomach sending him toppling off of his broom.

"Sorry!" A voice sounded from far down below. "I was supposed to call out dodge first!"

* * *

Harry warily glanced down to the pitch and was greeted to the sight of Suika gazing up at them with an entirely too large Beater's bat slung over her shoulder, a writhing bandoleer of bludgers attached to her hip, and a grin that flashed far too many teeth.

For the next few weeks, Harry dreamed of nothing but being chased by swarms of bludgers and the cackling of a small horned child.

* * *

"So who do you reckon Suika is going to get sent to the hospital wing first?" Ron asked.

"Surely it can't be that bad? It's just a couple of bludgers," Seamus responded.

"It's possible," Neville answered. "You three were focused on Harry, but I'm pretty sure that Suika broke some sort of record with that hit on Wood. My eyes couldn't even keep up as it left her bat."

"That's all well and good," Seamus piped up from the corner of the High Box that the four of them had commandeered. "But are we seriously not going to comment on the fact that Ibuki is flying without a broom?"

"Its magic," Suika called out as she lazily floated up past them to the sky far above, back to the ground with her hands resting behind her head as though she were lying on a couch. "I don't got to explain shit,"

"All right team, Begin!" Wood yelled as they began their drill.

Flying just above ground level, Alicia, Katie, and Angelina weaved in and out between themselves in an almost chaotic manner while they quickly passed the quaffle as they raced laps around the Quidditch Pitch while the Weasley Twins, Wood, and Harry swooped and dive bombed past them or attempted to steal the quaffle mid pass in an attempt to run interference.

All the while, they kept an eye on Suika who floated high above them who seemingly stared back slowly chuckling with a large grin on her face as she haphazardly swung the bat she had been given at the thin air.

The four Gryffindors boys had followed their fellow dorm mate down to the pitch to watch the training session, each had their own reasons. Ron was sticking with his best mate, Neville wanted to see what they were capable of, Seamus was bored, and Dean…

"Five sickles on Wood tanking most of it." Dean muttered with a grin as they watched Suika effortlessly grasp a writhing bludger and lining up the shot.

"Both the twins, equal amounts of hits on both." Seamus said as he started fishing into his pocket.

"I'm not betting." Neville said as he leaned back into his chair and rolled his eyes.

"Would you guys accept an IOU?"

"Hmm." Dean exhaled as he clasped his hand around his chin. "Sure, why not? You can do Binn's next essay for me."

"Ditto," Seamus agreed.

"She's focusing Harry!" Ron shot at them as a malicious grin swept across his face. "Easiest ten sickles of my life!"

"DODGE!" The girl's scream sounded throughout the entire field.

The voice was then drowned out as a sickening crack resonated through their ear drums as the reinforced wood met the iron sphere, sending it careening down into the mass that was the Gryffindor team.

Harry, who tracked the bludger's trajectory near instantaneously, pulled his broom to a metaphorical screeching halt as the now dented iron mass tore through the air space where he should have been.

The bludger slammed into the covered pitch, sending the dirt and snow skyward, even bouncing off the charms that protected the four boys in their twenty meter tall high box.

"Blueberry Muffins!" Wood yelled out the agreed upon word in horror, calling an to the drill.

The bludger attempted to rise out of the crater but it fell back down as the enchantment gave out.

High above, Neville could see as the girl's smile fell away and was replaced with a disappointed scowl for the briefest of moments.

"Sorry guys, are you ok?"

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want me to come back next time?"

"Thank you Suika, but no thank you."

* * *

"Hi ickle First Year Stalker," Weasley twin 1 was ignored.

"Bye ickle First Year Stalker," Weasley twin 2 received similar treatment.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, Hermione did not consider herself to be a stalker.

It was a Saturday afternoon, classes were unfortunately out for the next two, and while most students were out on the castle grounds barbarically throwing snow at eachother whatever it was that teenage magical folk were want to do, Hermione found herself silently stalking after her quarry from a distance.

It wasn't stalking, it was monitoring! The Weasley twins were spewing libel!

Hermione briefly wondered how the two of them even knew what she was doing.

Shaking her head, both as a way of disrupting that train of thought, and as a response to the chill in the air, she willed her concentration back to the situation at hand.

Suika Ibuki. Wrapped in a bulky jacket with her arms folded behind her head, horns stabbing through a ruined beanie, trudging across the snow from the Quidditch Pitch up towards what Hermione believed, judging by her memory of _Hogwarts: A History of three houses_ , was the Whomping Willow.

Hermione steeled her mind as she stepped out of the shadows of the Quidditch Pitch and immediately, she was set upon by a vicious wind that tore at her exposed face and she swore that her already frozen blood was approaching absolute zero..

The Gryffindor lamented the fact the only winter clothing that she had that was snow camouflage appropriate was a less than ideal white jumper and light jeans.

"Er, Hermione? You alright there?" Ron Weasley asked as he and Harry stopped in front of her, the latter with his broom slung over his shoulder.

"W-What?" Hermione asked, teeth chattering, as she shook herself out of her reverie.

"How long have you been waiting here for?" Harry responded.

"Why is she even here anyway? This isn't exactly a library," Ron quipped.

"You weren't thinking of following Suika,were you?" Harry continued, ignoring his friend. "She isn't exactly one hundred percent human. And besides, It's absolutely freezing. We were lucky that the entire pitch is heated during practice."

Teeth chattering, and most likely half delirious from the cold, Hermione steeled her eyes and and purposely strode out onto the grounds. "Professor McGonagall gave me a task and there is no way in the world that I am going to let her down. You two can either help me or you can just leave."

Harry and Ron shared a look.

"Ok. See you back at the common room then," Harry shrugged.

"Mental, that one," Ron muttered with a tilt of his head before the pair of them turned back to the castle.

* * *

According to Hogwarts, a History of four houses, the 1982 revised edition, the Whomping Willow had been planted in the year of 1971. In its entire history, it had never once been seen to let any human being even remotely near it. There were reports of its powerful limbs extending out to almost a 20 meters away from the trunk to pulverize anything or anyone who even thought of attempting to play chicken with it.

(' _The Whomping Willow has even been known to fire branches at those that are fleeing [_ _ **Citation needed**_ _], not dissimilar to a muggle's Ballista; a Highly Advanced[_ _ **Citation needed**_ _]' War Machine [_ _ **Citation needed**_ _]'_ )

Time seemed to slow to a standstill. Hermione could watch in dawning horror as the branch, thicker than she was tall, broke break the sound barrier to smash down on the crown of her housemate.

Briefly, Professor McGonagall's disappointed voice appeared in her mind.

" _I trusted you to look after a student and now look what happened. You will be facing Criminal Negligence charges at the very least. You might even be suspended."_

"Nononononononononononono" Hermione's teeth chattered as she wracked her mind and barely a months worth of magical research for a way to prevent the death of her housemate.

In the briefest moment of clarity that she had ever felt in her life, she slowly and steadily drew her wand and pointed it towards the whirling wooden ball of death and whispered "bombar-"

Splinters flew everywhere as a scream of pure fury sounded across the grounds as the Whomping Willow's limb was torn away and thrown down the hill and into the forest below, leaving a snow trail and several scattered and uprooted trees in its wake.

Hermione glanced down at her own no longer shaking hand and tilted her head in confusion. It seemed as though the Bombarda spell, that she had read ahead about, had come out before she had even finished intoning.

Strange, she didn't even remember doing the wand movements.

* * *

The tree known as the Whomping Willow until that very moment in time only knew of ' _angerhatredragemurderdeathkill_ ', and the very annoying, ' _Please don't touch there me there, it tickles_ '.

It greeted the small human with head protrusions with it's customary mace to face.

It then subsequently learned a new feeling as the small human grabbed hold of the limb.

' _Fear._ '

* * *

' _The term Black Hole is of very recent origin. It was coined in 1969 by the American Sci-'_

He may have received an alarm from his watch telling him that it was Three in the afternoon signifying that The Hog's Head was supposed to be open to its patrons. However, his attention was purely concentrated on the Autobiography of some celebrated Muggle philosopher and their amusing theories.

Although they called themselves Scientists now, Aberforth amended to himself as he gleefully let the hour slip away.

* * *

"No! Not there you great oaf! That is the most blatant bait I have ever laid my eyes upon!"

"Hey Ron," Harry spoke up as he stared warily down at the Chess Board and his rapidly dwindling options. It had taken him a month, but he had finally started to acclimatize himself to the various wizarding past times.

Although he could do without criticism from his own pieces.

"You reckon Hermione's going to be ok, she looked really out of it when we saw her down at the pitch."

"She'll be fine," Ron said as he smirked down at the board. "The Forest and near the Whomping Willow are out of bounds so she won't even go near them."

"That's not really what I meant. You reckon she won't freeze out there, she wasn't wearing exactly wearing winter clothes and as far as I remember, there's no rule against freezing to death."

"Nah, she'll be alright. Robes are charmed to stick to room temperat…" The colour drained from Ron's face thought about what he was saying.

"Ron, we need to find her."

"Oh for Merlin's sake."

* * *

Aberforth promptly ignored the incessant rattling of the door.

' _If a star could collapse to such a small size, it is not unreasonable to expect that other stars could collapse to even smaller size and bec-"_

"Open the goddamn door you senile old bastard!"

' _-Could collapse to even smaller size and become black holes. How we could even hope to detect a black hole, as by its very definition it does not emit any light. It mi-'_

There was a loud crash as the hinges of his pub's door shattered and the subsequent shattering of glass.

"I need your strongest shit, NOW!"

Aberforth Dumbledore looked from the book to the doorway, to the watch on his wrist, to the oni with an outstretched foot, to the wooden shrapnel embedded into the liquor shelf, to his book, and then subsequently back to the oni again, who was now stepping down from the kick into the threshold of the building and glaring hatefully right at him.

The quaint little cottage pup was undisturbed by the chilling wind trying and failing to penetrate through the entryway's charms.

Aberforth sighed and pulled out his wand. "Mind stepping to the side so I can repair this mess that you just so helpfully made?" He muttered, taking note of the page.

The horned girl blinked "Huh, oh sorry, sure," She said as she stepped into the foyer as she clenched and unclenched her hand around what was probably just a red and orange glowing stress ball.

With a flick of his wand, the door and bottles set about repairing themselves as he reached under the counter for a glass. "You look a little young, you sure you're meant to be here?"

Whatever was in the girl's hand shone even brighter as a jet of material burst through the cracks in her knuckles.

"Say when," Aberforth said with a shrug as he uncorked the bottle.

"Don't worry about that, you can finish your book, it's quite accurate."

* * *

"Sirius. I am so sorry."

Severus said nothing as he watched the exchange, his Doe like corporeal Patronus guarding the entryway to prevent any unwelcome visitors, seeing as Albus wasn't able to conjure a proficient version at that point in time.

He said nothing as he watched the Headmaster collapsed on his knees begging for forgiveness from the catatonic former Azkaban inmate.

He had to turn away as the clouded and sallow eyes of the man he once knew turned that regarded him with barely a spec of recognition.

Albus' tiny voice sounded loud through the chamber. "I don't know what I can do to make this right."


End file.
